i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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