i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball