Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"