After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You made out with two different species that night
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.