im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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