I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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