sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
