finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
