My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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