I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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