the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize