Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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