the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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