Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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