im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
