theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
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I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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