shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
