i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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