final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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