Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
