tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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