Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
