I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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