omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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