yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
