First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
