my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.