Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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