Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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