I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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