Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
