Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
