i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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