I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
