Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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