He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
