Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
