Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just found puke in my bra..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
