Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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