life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think my tv is drunk
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Randomize
