if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
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