Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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