my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize