Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
