party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
