i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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