What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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