Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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