Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
