from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
