i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
