wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
