I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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