Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
