Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
