Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's shark week go big or go home
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
