Cold hands, warm shart.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
