singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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