If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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