just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
